A Greater Love

This week my good friend had her much anticipated baby placed with her after the baby's birth a few days ago. The experience has brought back adoption memories of my own son and has me recognizing how each story is unique and special.

In my friends case I have been able to appreciate the adoption from a different perspective than my own experience. The birth mother selected my friend (and her family) very early on in her pregnancy. She also lives locally and the entire process has been very "open", meaning they have had regular contact with each other, know full names, and developed a friendship. Our adoption process was closed - no last names or other personal information was divulged, though we did exchange letters and pictures after placement through our caseworker.

During the months of her pregnancy birth mom (BM) and my friend got to know each other. My friend would invite BM to participate in their family activities and she grew to love this special BM. I know my friend has had the utmost concern for BM and has done everything she could to help ease the weight of this decision for her. Her love for this young woman is strong and sincere.

A few weeks ago I attended a baby shower for my friend. It was a beautiful evening and I was so thankful to have the opportunity to meet the BM and her mother who both attended. I'll admit it was a bit awkward at times. Not wanting to say anything inappropriate was at the forefront of my mind and yet there was a strong Spirit present there that evening.

That night I realized how I missed out on the experience of really getting to know our own birth parents. Our adoption happened so quickly that our only meeting with them lasted about an hour, during placement, and then they were gone. We never really got to know them at all. I'll admit I am a bit envious that my friend has had the opportunity to develop a loving relationship with her BM.

I also realized that though you can imagine how hard such a selfless sacrifice it is (making the best choice for your child and not an emotional choice for yourself), you can't fully comprehend it. Of course I tried to understand this sacrifice during our own adoption but sitting across from my friend's BM, with her protruding belly and that uncomfortable 8 months pregnant look on her face, I realized I had no comprehension at all. I cannot even begin to fathom the strength it takes, though a new understanding of it certainly hit me quite forcefully. My heart implored for her and I prayed that she would stay strong and know peace with her decision.

My friend's baby was born after a hard delivery for BM. There were a few extra days needed in the hospital for recovery. Each day there was an immense anticipation of placement only to have it delayed repeatedly as medical issues were addressed. When placement finally arrived my friend was very excited over being able to take the baby home and yet her heart yearned to comfort BM whom she could see was struggling.

I think it feels a bit odd – suddenly having a new baby without all the physical labor of it. In my experience once the birth parents left it was very quiet, very strange to have this baby that I did not carry or deliver suddenly in my arms . . . forever. AH and I were a bit dumbstruck as to what to do. I had so many questions: Is he really mine? Can I really take him home and I don’t have to give him back? Can I really love him without worry that he’ll be taken away? How is birth mom coping? Is she at peace with her decision? How come it feels a little like I’ve stolen someone’s baby and when will that feeling go away?

For me the adoption process focused so much on the birth parents (specifically BM) that nobody ever really explained how it would feel for the adoptive parents. I was completely unprepared for the emotional turmoil of it. I didn’t actually find complete solace until we received a letter from the birthparents some 5 months later. The letter gushed of the sweet pictures we’d sent, the cute outfits he wore, and the joy that they knew he was bringing us. It was only after this letter that I was fully able to, in my heart, mind and soul, know that he was mine. I didn’t realize until then that I had been holding back a bit emotionally until I got her approval and knew that she was truly okay with her decision and I didn’t have to worry about her anymore.

Adoption is a case of greater love and for that my family and that of my friend are truly blessed.