Parenting - Oy!

I am not Jewish but sometimes other cultural phrases have the best way of putting exactly how I feel. Oy, oy, oy, oy!

Does anyone really consider what parenting requires before making that decision? Is it really possible to understand what it takes without going through it? I certainly had no idea what I was signing up for and I don't think most people do. I don’t want that to come across as negatively as it may read because my children have introduced me to love and joy beyond anything I’ve ever experienced, but I do wonder if people really consider the emotional and physical roller coast parenting can be. The responsibility that you take upon yourself when you become a mother or a father is never ending and at times so overwhelming you just know that there is no way you can do this alone and nor should you. I feel tremendous sympathy for those who do this without Faith. If I weren't able to communicate with Heavenly Father (HF) on a regular basis about some of the tough decisions I'd probably give up hope, fall to the floor and assume the fetal position!

So what is the cause of my angst today? If you know me you can probably guess - my son's ADHD. He is such a tremendous joy to us. He is very personable, outgoing, full of life, helpful, sincere, loving - basically just wonderful. He also has ADHD, a chemical imbalance of the brain caused by dopamine transporters working too fast. I had no idea what ADHD was prior to becoming his parent and now with a diagnosis in hand it has opened my eyes to a new level of compassion for any parent who has a child who struggles.

The ongoing question in our house is “do we medicate him?” I have struggled with this for a long time now. We've tried every route outside of medication. We've done behavioral therapy (it does help a lot), natural "remedies" and caffeine to help manage the symptoms. He attends a special needs preschool run by our school district and has an IEP (Individualize Education Program) that is good for 3 years within the school system. We work closely with his teachers and with him at home to ensure he doesn't fall behind in his learning, which when I read that statement implies that he is not smart. Quite the contrary, he is very smart, probably too smart for his own good some days! He just has a hard time sitting and focusing in areas that don't appeal to him.

I worry excessively about his long term health, emotional well being and self value and always the ongoing question is what the right thing to do for this little man?
Of course this is not a decision anyone can make for you. You have to weigh the pros and cons by learning all you can about all treatment options. Try the least offensive first and move along to the next until you find something that will and does work effectively. Of course along the way everyone weighs in with their opinion (some educated, some not so much) which may or may not help. If you're lucky you have a friend or family member who remains neutral and sends you helpful information they find but places no emphasis either way and is just there to support whatever you decide is best (a huge thanks to those who do this and have done this for me). And hopefully in the end you will have raised a child who says, "Thank you. I know it was really hard for you and dad and I really appreciate all that you did to help me. I have a good job, I have great self-esteem and I am happy." - Isn't that what all parents want to hear?

So here is where I am at today and why. Last night DH and I went to a CHADD meeting to learn about the latest medication options and we walked away totally enlightened. The physician who spoke is a very credible MD and is a nationally well known specialist who is highly respected in the ADHD community. He brought in an entirely new understanding of what ADHD is, its effect on the brain and how those who have ADHD feel, compensate, manage, and cope.

A couple of things he said really got to me (I was a cry baby throughout the entire meeting). First, he said of all the patients he treats only 1 or 2 a year truly have the "hyper" portion of ADHD. He described what a truly "hyper" patient acts like and I just sat at the back of the room nodding my head to each description. Then later on in the program after talking about the different meds and how they work I asked him which of them he would recommend for a child under the age of 6. He just looked at me and basically said he wouldn't medicate a child that young. . . UNLESS he/she is that rare truly "hyper" ADHD child. Then he started describing additional "hyper" behaviors and I just sat their nodding my head again and I could see in his eyes that he knew that I wasn't kidding or exaggerating and that I am the parent of that "rare" child and he is only 5!

So I left this meeting realizing that even in the world of ADHD he is a little bit unique and honestly I am okay with that - it gives me peace to know it and I think I can finally stop wondering, "why isn't this working?" when it seems to work for everyone else; because like every child out there he is uniquely his own person.

In the end I was overcome with emotion from the new knowledge received, the support of the other parents at the meeting and for my son who is the one who has to ultimately face this challenge. Most moms’ I know take the blame for this for years (if not forever). I myself struggle with this feeling each time my son has a hard or bad day. Leaving this meeting last night I had to accept the fact that I didn't do this to my son, it’s not my fault. Not only did I not do this to him but I am a great mom. I have been his advocate from the beginning and while I admit I am not perfect my desire do to what is best for him is always there. I do everything I can to help him and sometimes that isn't enough and at those times you do the best you can, you let others help and you fall upon your faith to carry you through. You pray for strength, peace and guidance and you give love like it’s going out of style.

So now do I feel at peace about our latest plan to help him? I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know but I'll keep doing what I think is best for him and hope things work out so that he is happy.